Read full shoe Rx for DEDICATION here
I’m in love with a girl who doesn’t always treat me right. She’s dramatic, angry and can be annoyingly uptight. My girl is impulsive and moody, but when she’s centered she shines blindingly bright. And on those days, I couldn’t imagine loving anyone more.
We dance, we sing. We talk through the night. We fight. I hate her. I love her. We make up, again. No matter how many times I wish I could leave her, it’s impossible to escape her scrumptiously devious ways because my lover, my lady, she is me.
This is my first blog post in several months. I went on a journey. I swear in a past life, I must have been a monk because every few years or so I feel the need to abandon the world and retreat. I question who I am, what I’m doing, and why I’m doing it. I pull away from distractions and attempt to realign with what’s really important.
This summer was simple but profoundly beautiful. My main goal was to remain as present as I could with my daughter. Not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well. We hiked, went rock climbing, sea kayaking, to the water park… I attempted to listen to everything she said (and she says a lot, so this was challenging). I found moments where I felt like a kid—giggling like my ten-year-old self would have as we made up songs or played freeze tag in a wave pool.
I also went on a physical outer/inner journey. I attended something called Peace Awareness Training (or PAT) in Lake Arrowhead. For a few days I felt unshakable, as if nothing or no one could throw me off course. I understood the universe and my place in it, and that knowing was beyond amazing! Then, I returned to the world, and a few weeks later I found myself, well, dealing with the world. It was frustrating to feel that kind of solidness and then seemingly loose touch with it, but now that I’ve experienced whatever that was (kind of an ineffable thing to talk about) I’m aware that I’m still changing in ways that continue to unfold… the word would be ‘etcetera’…
On my quest, I learned some important pieces about my relationship with myself. You may ask: What is it that you discovered? Well, I’ll tell you (whether you really want to know or not): I really like my lady, myself. I’m getting a kick out of my quirks and realize that those messy aspects are what add character to my masterpiece called life. And on the darker side, I became aware of the ways in which I was sabotaging my relationship with her. I was unconsciously withholding things from her that she needs to be happy (like being dedicated to writing this blog, neglecting my exercise regimen or forgetting to make time for fun). I’m recommitting, I’m backing myself up. I’m dedicated to loving her and sticking it through. It’s not easy… she can be a real character… but she’s mine, and I accept her unconditionally.
So with that recommitment, you can continue to find me writing here. I’m reminding myself that it’s a marathon, not a race. I’m back in it for the long haul. I think that like actual marriage, our relationship with ourselves needs to be updated and revisited. I’m committed. I’m devoted. I’m dedicated. It’s all gonna be all right.
Send me a note—I’d love to say, “hi.”